The Gratitude Balance
“Happiness does not lead to gratitude. Gratitude leads to happiness” — David Steindl-Rast
Gratitude is a powerful emotion. It has been described as “not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others” [i]. As light is to darkness, it can “displace” other emotions including fear, grief and stress. Anthony Robbins explains “You can’t be angry and grateful simultaneously. You can’t be fearful and grateful simultaneously. So, gratitude is the solution to both anger and fear, and instead of just acting grateful, I think of specific situations that I’m grateful for, little ones and big ones”. There are things we can do to cultivate gratitude including journaling and meditation. Another approach is a mental model — a “gratitude balance”. Imagine everything negative on one side of the scales — a speeding fine, a home appliance that has broken, losing a friend or family member. Now counterbalance this with everything we can appreciate including our family and friends, the health and mobility that we still possess, abundant food and clean water and having humanity’s knowledge at our fingertips. Holocaust survivor Edith Eger[ii] believes “… we have a choice: to pay attention to what we’ve lost or to pay attention to what we still have.”. By focussing on what we already have it is possible to see that this balance is stacked in our favour. “He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things he has not” Epictetus wrote, ”but rejoices for those things that he has”.
Should we be grateful for being alive? Some estimates[iii] suggest the chances of being born are one in 400 trillion. The probability is so remote that Dr. Ali Binazir explains it this way — “Imagine there was one life preserver thrown somewhere in some ocean and there is exactly one turtle in all of these oceans, swimming underwater somewhere. The probability that you came about and exist today is the same as that turtle sticking its head out of the water — in the middle of that life preserver. On one try.” What about our standard of living? Hans Rosling[iv] depicts the relative number of people living on four income levels, with a billion people on Earth living on $1 to $2 per day with no running water and sleeping on the ground. Another three billion live on $4 per day. Chances are if you are reading this you are in what Rosling describes as Level 4 and have a comfortable home, abundant supply of food and a means of transport. Should we be grateful for our health and mobility? People with far greater physical challenges than us have done so. Despite the degenerative disease that wracked his body for decades, physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking was able to cultivate a deep sense of gratitude. Hawking reflected that “It was important that I came to appreciate what I did have. Although I was unfortunate to get motor neurone disease, I’ve been very fortunate in almost everything else. I’ve been lucky to work in theoretical physics at a fascinating time, and it’s one of the few areas in which my disability is not a serious handicap. It’s also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life is, because you can lose all hope if you can’t laugh at yourself and at life in general.” Sam Berns was born with a rare genetic disorder but was grateful for what he still had, describing his life philosophy in his 2013 TEDx talk — “The first aspect to my philosophy is that I’m okay with what I ultimately can’t do because there is so much I can do. Now people sometimes ask me questions like, “Isn’t it hard living with Progeria?” or “What daily challenges of Progeria do you face?” And I’d like to say that, even though I have Progeria, most of my time is spent thinking about things that have nothing to do with Progeria at all. Now this doesn’t mean that I ignore the negative aspects of these obstacles. When I can’t do something like run a long distance, or go on an intense roller coaster, I know what I’m missing out on. But instead, I choose to focus on the activities that I can do through things that I’m passionate about, like scouting, or music, or comic books, or any of my favorite Boston sports teams.” After suffering burns to 80% of his body and 23 surgeries, White Island volcanic eruption survivor Jake Milbank is thankful for daily improvement to his recovery saying “From walking on the treadmill to pumping iron we are seeing improvements every day. I am finally beginning to gain weight and have put on 3 kgs in the last 3 weeks.”
Is it possible to simply be grateful ? Srikumar Rao[v] believes “Eventually you want to get to the point where your default emotional domain is appreciation and gratitude …” because “… whatever you are grateful for can go away”. Rao says “… eventually I would like you to be in a place where you are not grateful for something, you are just grateful. Period. And that is when you find that your life truly has been transformed.”
[i] Although the exact wording is debateable, this was attributed to Roman philosopher Marcus Tillius Cicero
[ii] The Choice, Edith Eger
[iii] https://www.businessinsider.com.au/infographic-the-odds-of-being-alive-2012-6?r=US&IR=T
[iv] Factfulness, Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About The World — And Why Things Are Better Than You Think, Hans Rosling, Ola Rosling, Anna Rosling Rönnlund 2018
[v] How To Eliminate Stress And Anxiety Forever, Srikumar Rao February 2019
